I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
