Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The air was thick with penises
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
