I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
