PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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