i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
