his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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