I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
