i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
