The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
