so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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