you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
