How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
