He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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