I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
