I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
