i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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