i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
