I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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