Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
