Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
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we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
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Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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