Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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