She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
