she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
At least life still wants to fuck me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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