I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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