There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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