So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
