I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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