Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
