Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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