i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
