please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Randomize
