Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
