She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
