I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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