I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
