So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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