I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
