dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
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I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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