So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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