Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
