i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
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He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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