I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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