I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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