I wanna bring you to show and tell
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
