so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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