I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
