So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
