News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
