Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
