I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
