If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
