3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
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