I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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