my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
