Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
