is your mom at the bar?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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