she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
