i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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